The real situation.

I still remember that day when I had to sit for the interview to be the English teacher. One of the interview slot was 2 hours essay writing. 1 hour for compulsory topic and another one hour for the free writing which there were few topics you can choose. I am not going discuss on the topic of free writing essay. It's the easiest one, of course. 

My compulsory essay was I had to write about "CORRUPTION". 7 years back, I had no clue what was the topic all about. But I was being me, being so naive..I didn't see that the topic was the major issue in my country. I thought that I live in a peaceful and harmony country which everyone was so sincere and honest.

Now, 7 years after...I can see clearly and understand what  CORRUPTION is all about. If I had to write about it, I think I can write longer...more than three pages within one hour I guess.

But I am just like any other ordinary citizens..too much critics and sharing thoughts or I could be skating on the thin ice. What else I can do? What else can WE do? The power is not in our hand.

Hugs and kisses,
Cikmai

Rezeki.

As salam semua. Berhabuk bersin-bersin dah bila buka blog ni.

Lama menyepi sebab banyak benda yang terjadi dan berlaku dengan begitu pantas. 

I lost my baby on 10th June 2013 at 8 weeks. Miscarriage sebab fetus tak develop seperti fetus-fetus biasa. 

Kalau diselamatkan pun, mungkin dia tidak sempurna. Jadi saya lebih redha kalau Allah ambil dia pergi.

Takpe..Allah lebih sayangkan dia. Sedihnya tak terkata. Al-maklumlah...first baby kan...Tapi dapatla merasa sakit macam nak beranak masa gugur tu..ada hikmahnya kan....

I'm okay now...

And alhamdulillah...positive pregnant again. Now 9 weeks +. Harap-harap kali ni ada rezeki saya dan suami.

Doakanlah segala urusan kami dipermudahkan untuk kali ini. 

Alhamdulillah.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai

Difficult time

Well....Akma sekarang ni sedang berdebar-debar..I guess this is the most difficult time kot.

Hurm....tak mahu cakap banyak. Just tunggu je esok. Another checkup at Tey Maternity Clinic.

Sekarang ni berfikir benda-benda yang gembira untuk jadi positif.

Ok then. Will update soon. See ya!



Hugs and kisses,
Cikmai

Pregnancy - Week 7

Hello semua! Maaflah tak sempat nak update blog ni. Seriously memang tak sempat nak on lappy. Bila dah kat rumah tu ada je kerja nak buat. Tambahan pula nak jaga 2 ekor kittens yang nakal. Hari-hari kerja bersih cage, buang najis dia...bagi makan..gumpal-gumpal dengan kucing....nasib baik comel kan....Huh~

Anyways...Alhamdulillah....pregnancy dah masuk minggu ke-7 dah. Rasa kejap je sebab end of this week masuk la minggu ke-8 pregnancy which is dah 2 bulan. Alhamdulillah again. Tapi Akma sedikit confuse betul ke yang diri ni sedang mengandung? Sebabnya takda pula rasa nak meloya muntah sana sini. Semua benda pun sedap. Semua bau pun okay. Tak da morning sickness. Ni normal ke? Yelah kan sebabnya bila dalam drama TV mesti perempuan mengandung wek-wek sana sini. Ke tak semua meloya? Ke acane? Hmmm....

Anyways, perut da lebar sikit. Seluar-seluar memang dah tak boleh nak pakai. Maklumlah..dulu kan saiz comel...XS or S. Memanglah dah tak muat kan. Seluar jeans lagi la korban...tak boleh sumbat kan....Semalam terpaksa pakai khakis tu tanpa kancing butang dan zip sikit je. Kalau tak...perut sakit. Tawakkal je pakai..Haha! So tadi belilah maternity punya pants.. *semangatlah konon* Fuhhhh!! Baru selesa. Tulah dia...selera makan membuak-buak...Nasib baik tengah malam bangun tak cari nasi..tapi cari fruits..kalau tak...lagi lah kan..

Well..esok kena gi KK. Minum air gula..awal sangat kan dah kena minum air gula? Ni semua sebab abah ada kencing manis. Jadi...anak dia kena monitor la...Prevention is better than cure kan? OK then...berharap agar pregnancy smooth...takda sebarang komplikasi hendaknya...

*Weekend ni abang balik nak bawa pergi scan. Berdebar-debar!!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Cikmai

A Letter To My Future Baby

(Disclaimer : When writing this, I am not pregnant. I repeat, NOT PREGNANT)

My dear future baby,

Where are you? I don't know why but I have been thinking about you lately. Maybe because most of my friends are already had babies or maybe because you are something that me and your dad can't resist. Well...it doesn't matter why, but  I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you yesterday, today and tomorrow. Always.

I was wondering what you will be like. Wondering if you'll be a girl, you have a dimple on your cheek and lashes just like I do..and if you'll be a boy, you'll be good at fishing just like your dad. Maybe you'll be a teacher, maybe you'll like to read and write or maybe you'll love music. Well..whatever you'll be, I know that you're going to be good and smart. I don't know you yet but one thing for sure is that I already love you.

Hmm....I wonder what it will be like to have you in my tummy for 40 weeks, to bring you out to see the world.....to hold you, to kiss you and just to stare at you for hours. I know that you'll be the most beautiful creature I've ever seen that I won't be able to take my eyes off you. I just can't wait for it. I can't wait for the day that I don't have to worry about anything else except you. I know that you are going to change me soon. You are going to change me in a good way. 

Well...I don't have any ideas when to expect you. But that's okay. I just wanted you to know that where ever you are right now, I think about you often. And I pray for you too. I pray that I will me a good mom to you, and my husband will be a good dad too. I pray that you will always see the love between us, and the love that we have for you. 

For the meantime, me and your dad will be enjoying the moment to ourselves.We are laughing a lot, seeking for adventures and experiences. We are learning the lessons that we need to learn before you get here. We just can't wait to meet you someday. We just want you to know that even though we don't know you yet but we are already very much in love with you. 

Love,

Your future Mom.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai

The third lesson

The third lesson : Allah knows best

Feeling sick. I mean real sick. I just don't like my husband to see me sick as I do look so awful when I get sick. =(  Went to the hospital and supposedly to be admitted till today but I refused to. I just don't want to burden my husband. Dah banyak susahkan husband. So let me just stay at home and pretending to be okay. It's so much more easier. Ngeee~

Tapi bila sakit ni banyak hikmahnya. Terima kasih Allah dengan jodoh yang telah engkau dikuniakan. This marriage really completes me. First ada husband yang sangat caring. Husband memang always by my side. Thanks abang sebab tolong picit-picitkan badan dan urut semalam. I feel much better today. Love u much! Second dapat in laws yang baik-baik. Sis in law yang rock, mak yang cool, pak cik yang baik, mama dan adik ipar yang kaki shopping..ni yang paling I like. Shopping!! heeee...Dapat tengok ayam berkeliaran dan tahi ayam  secara dekat. Dapat tau certain pure Melaka words yang saya pun tak pernah dengar dulu such as bingai. 

Walaupun husband sangat jauh tapi sebenarnya husband dekat di hati...Bila rasa nak merungut sebab kena jauh dengan husband, teringat balik kat mama. She's a strong woman sebab dapat tahan dan sabar berjauhan dengan suami for years and until now! Mama boleh kenapa tidak saya kan? So hang on! Few months to go! Hopefully dapat pindah cepat-cepat!

Kadang-kadang kita rasa orang kita suka tu memang jodoh kita yang tepat..tapi sebenarnya Allah knows best. 

#Syukur

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai

Sebenarnya dia suami saya.

Sebenarnya dari dulu suami tu ada untuk saya tapi saya je yang tak perasan...buat endah tak endah. Ingat lagi masa husband ajak kahwin..

Suami  : Jom kita kahwin.

Wife: Erk..kau biar betul. Kau serious ke?

Suami : Yelah. Aku serious. Aku dah lama suka kat kau.

Wife : Kau betul-betul ke ni?

Suami : Kau ingat aku main-main ke?

Wife : Tapi aku belum boleh nak terima kau. 

Suami : Takpe. Kita kahwin je dulu. Aku janji aku akan buat kau suka kat aku nanti. 

Wife : Errr..... (speechless)

Suami : Aku janji aku akan buat kau jatuh cinta kat aku nanti. Kita kahwin je.

Wife : Okay. Kita kahwin.

The next day his family datang rumah berbincang dengan family saya. Terus tetap tarikh tunang which is 2 minggu lepas that discussion tu. Dan kahwin 5 months after bertunang. Memang tak sempat nak kenal husband, memang orang kata redah je. Yakin dengan ketentuan Allah, itu jodoh saya. Cinta boleh dipupuk..lepas kahwin boleh belajar terima husband kan. Hehe.

See....as simple as that. Tak perlu bercinta bertahun-tahun. Lelaki kalau dah jujurkan..memang tak cakap banyak..Memang berani. 

Kalaulah husband saya tahu yang hati ni dah cair dengan dia....dah memang jatuh cinta dengan dia seadanya...Malu saya! huhu... #Gedik sekejap.

Saya dan cinta hati saya during our honeymoon at Krabi. Dah halal boleh peluk-peluk!

Oh ya, rambut dia memang kaler macam tu ye. Bukan dikaler. It's natural. Jangan nak cakap-cakap pasal suami saya ya. Cet! Hihi =p

Entah kenapa malam ni rasa rindu kat suami sangat kuat. Ya Allah..rindunya....air mata pun mengalir dengan sendirinya. 

I miss him so much!

Waiting for him to come back from work. Nak on the phone dengan abang sayang! #Gatai!

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Hoping, aren't you?

The break-up had really knocked my head so bad. I feel like the world had nearly came to an end. The feeling of being dumped when you had tried so hard to work it out is like being hit by a truck. You can't breathe, you can't even think like a wise woman. You shed your tears and you couldn't dry it. So for the past few months I tried to summarize what are the mistakes that we'd done and might be the reason why we wasted our 6 years old of relationship. Whoever wrote this quotes, I think he should get credit for it.

A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing.

A man's loyalty is tested when he has everything.

And that would be the best reason why we broke up. He had failed the test. I really hope that he will repeat the test again...Soon, I hope.

Dear self, are you still crying? Still hoping? Still have feeling for him? 

Why?

Because he's perfect, you jerk!

God, please help me.

Oh! Please stop hoping! *punching my own face*

Hugs and kisses.

Never stop blogging.

Once I thought to stop this blogging things. But then I realized that it won't work. I feel like I'm missing something that I don't know what it is.

Hmm...lame..lame..so lame.. Years of blogging, I only posted 662 entries. What happened to me? Where is my spirit of blogging? Did I lost it when I lost the love of my life? Somebody tell me...

Well..just never stop blogging.

And hey, never stop believing in yourself, Akma. Believe that there will always be sunshine after the rain heavy rain.

Soon you'll see the light. It's just around the corner. 

Smile always!

Hugs and kisses.

Liar!

It's okay if you gave me those sweet hopeless hope...but once you gave it to my parents, when everything is in the progress...then you lied? SubhanaAllah....Why on earth you did that? Don't you ever care of their feeling? 

Hey you, Listen. Even me and my family are from kampung, but..Just stop toying around with us.

You lied to me, to my parents. That's it. You are such a LIAR man. I'm now starting to hate you. But I really hope I don't. Or should I just kill you???? But I can't do that. You know why?Because I love you. If only you knew that...

Oh Allah, please give me strength so that I could be more patience and more rational...

Dear self, just remember that life is nothing without challenges.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Stop judging others.

Morning everyone. Rise and shine. I may not be rising today but still I can shine! Demam lo.. A third quarter full package fever - fever, flu, sore throat and body aching. Thank god takde batuk-batuk bagai. Kalau ada batuk, confirm dapat full package fever. Adoi nyer pun!

Anyways, lately I'm kinda flashing back all my sins. Of course, I am a sinner. I didn't want to talk about how bad i was before as I'm not going to let you guys judge me in a wrong way. Just leave it to Allah as He knows better. 

I know that I'm not a good person before. I'm annoying, sarcastic, narcissism..you named it. But that was BEFORE. Now I've changed a lot. A LOT. Frankly speaking, I just don't know why people keep on judging others badly once they committed something bad before? Didn't they know that people changed?  That people actually can turn over a new leaf? 

Ok...let's think. What does LIFE mean if we are too perfect to do mistakes? It means NOTHING guys, NOTHING. I admit that I'm not perfect. I do mistakes and I learned my lessons. I experienced things. That's how I learn from LIFE. Did you know that LIFE is an endless learning process?

My apologies to all the people out there whom I did wrong before. But believe me, I've changed. Maybe I'm not a good person before but that doesn't count me as a devil. And maybe you are a good person, the perfect one without any flaws...but that doesn't mean that you are an angel. That you are God. So please stop judging me if you don't know me. Stop judging others.

Furthermore, we are all human. Right?

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Rezeki untuk tabung kahwin?

Salam. Seharian tak online and bukak FB melambak notifications. Huu..And check inbox PM..ada offer to be model bertudung. Dan I akan di bayar. Err...Mari berfikir sekejap. Kalau ikutkan, ini salah satu lubang untuk I tambahkan tabung kahwin. Tapi...tak biasa nak posing-posing depan orang. 

Lagipun.....Encik Sayang tak bagi. Dan saya ialah yang menurut perintah. Good bye golden opportunity..Hope to see you again next time.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai

Only one word to describe how I feel right now.

.

.

.

.

.

Worried

.

.

.

.

.

Assalamualaikum.


Hugs and kisses,
Cikmai.

Emosi agak tak stabil, mungkin?

Assalamualaikum semua. Malam ni I'm alone. Housemate balik kampung. My mom cakap tak payah balik, she's getting better. Mak cakap "Akak kan nak pakai duit..". Okay, terharu di situ. So I stay kat rumah and what else? Googling! I bet most of you are watching football match now. Kan?Tapi sorrylah. langsung takda mood nak tengok. Kalau tengok pun, kena kutuk je nanti. Kan dah cakap. Mood I tak berapa okay ni. Hari ni berselisih faham dengan encik bakal dan upacara rajuk-merajuk telah berlaku sepanjang hari. I memang pantang kalau upacara ni berlaku. Habis semua orang kena bambu dengan I. Baik yang dalm t.v., kat luar t.v., atas t.v., bawah t.v..Dan siapa-siapa terkena tempias, sorry der..I memang tengah emo. Saya telah digesa untuk menyeranai pendek list. Haih! Susah kot. Seminggu fikir. Gila la kau. Tak boleh buat secara slow-slow ke? Dah la busy tahap lapan-belas-tangan-pun-tak-cukup. Dan Encik budget, anda telah potong stim tahu? Kacau la kau ni budget. Benci I ! Baru nak fikir pasal raya dan baju pengapit. Damn.

Kahwin hantaran tak mau banyak. Benda-benda tu boleh beli lepas kahwin. Kan? Tunang pun tak payah nak kalut. Ey, tak nak fikir, boleh tak? Tapi kena jugak!!! 

Okay. Seperti yang I telah cakap mungkin perfume tidak akan ada dalam list. I mean maybe la. Perfume like something common. Nak ganti dengan bath set. Jadi nekad bulan ni nak pergi OU. Nak pergi OU...nak pergi OU...Nak pergi OU...Nak pergi OU. *bercakap ikut nada nak cari kayu dalam cite Labu-Labi* Nak grab 2nd item dalam list tu.

Kasut? Tak nak sepasang dengan handbag, aci kan? Yang tu dah ada dalam kepala. I nak amalkan tiga konsep mudah. Masuk kedai, beli dan blah. Full stop.

Minggu depan nak ajak beliau ke Sogo. Beliau mungkin nak perfume. 

So list pendek saya yang dah ada dalam kepala otak yang serabut ni:

• Al-quran and telekung.
• Bath set wangi-wangi 
• Kasut
• Handbag and wallet (ni beli lepas dapat bonus. Bukan Jalan Bonus ye Kak Ina. Harap-harap dapat le )
• Yang lain barang yang boleh di makan. Sebab barang-barang ni cantik. Haha!

Oh ya. Pernah dengar tak telekung Siti Khadijah? I nak yang Siti Khadijah tu. Serious sangat cantik dan kain high quality. Dah jatuh cinta dengan Siti Khadijah. Ada sesiapa nak pergi Kelantan tak? I and family I tak plan nak balik Kelantan dalam masa terdekat ni. Anyone tahu kat KL ni mana ada jual telekung Siti Khadijah tak?

Doorgift kakak cakap nak sponsor.Tapi nak demand, boleh tak? Kak Long telah berkenan bekas telur pewter yang cantik itu. Satu rm20+. Katanya doorgift untuk rombongan.Uhuk-uhuk. Tersedak aku. 

Susahnya nak puaskan hati semua orang. Boboi semput!!

Akma, kau ni dah ready ke belum sebenarnya? Dang! Slap diri sendiri laju-laju. Emo semakin meruncing. Haih makin kerap plak selisih faham dan rajuk-merajuk. Ni yang buat I malas nak fikir tau. Benci.

Sakit kepala yang amat. Nak makan pain killer and nak tergolek. Jangan harap Encik Bakal nak call. Kenapa makin kerap berselisih faham ni? 

Malam ni tak de hug-hug and kiss-kiss. I emo ni. Tolong.

By,

Cikmai.

Sentap Hati Mak Nak....

Semalam lepas balik keje, like always, hang out dengan cliques. We were having our late lunch and yang paling penting gossiping! I went back home and had a killing headache! Pening rasa nak pitam gitu. Last Tuesday check doc cakap tekanan darah rendah. Well I guess sebab tu kot rasa macam nak tergolek sekejap. So I called him, tried to tell him about my condition. Okay, panggilan adalah waiting. Sebab tunggu lama sangat dan dah tak tahan...Mulalah I macam nak mengada-ngada. Suddenly he said something yang buat I berfikir sejenak. Bukan saja berfikir, tapi merenungkan apa yang dia cakap. And I hate it bila dia buat I terasa. Dan tak perlulah dikongsi apa yang dia cakap. Tapi seriously, I sentap sekejap. Bukan sekejap. Sampai sekarang kot sentap. Maka dengan rasminya, I telah mengambil keputusan untuk tidak lagi mahu berusaha apa-apa. Sekian. Emo.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Mixed Feelings

Assalamualaikum. Mom is not feeling well lately. Last Saturday, she was laying on the bed like for the whole day. She didn't eat and she vomited. I'm so worried!!!

But...........Despite from being so worried, I'm quite happy when..well you know...But I don't know how to react..It's a mixed of feelings. 

And today I met him before I went back home. We had a short discussion about the colour. And luckily, he is not that cerewet-sana-sini guy. Thank god. Beliau sangat calm. And I still have less than an hour to finalize the colour before I purchase that particular thing.

Well, if you ask me, I think white with a blend of cream will be nice. And the design? Baju kurung modern. It's so classic, kan? And my dad really like that cream one. Hmmmm...And what about sayang saya? He is the type of i-tak-kisah-sayang.... Haih~ Ni baru nak cari kain........

I dream of a white wedding with splashes of pastels colours..Damn!! I've gone too far! sorry for that.

Tapi..mak is not feeling well...I can't be too happy... Dugaannnnn.........

Eh, boleh kan kami nak buat surprise?

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Hihi..

Sekali lagi post jakun. First day pakai contact lens...well it's not that bad... Selesa je...

Muka mirip haiwan peliharaan mintak makan...Tak semenggah betul..

 Muka macam nak excited kan? Yelah..contact lens termasuk dalam senarai benda yang aku gerun...So ni actually salah satu therapy yang aku buat nak atasi kegerunan aku. See...dalam dunia ni sebenarnya kita boleh je nak overcome our fears. All you need is mind setting. Tapi untuk pakai braces, errr.......it may take some times kot...Sabar ye Dr. Ferhad. Bukan tak nak pakai but not ready yet. Atau lebih tepat, masih lagi takut....nak betulkan mindset dulu...Lalalalala~

Mode: Batak-batak exciting. Hihi.

Hugs and kisses,
Cikmai.

Al-kisah Al-Atok..

It has been nearly a month Atok stays with us. Eh , tapi pagi ni Atok dah balik dah pun. My parents yang hantar Atok balik. Kalau dulu Atok balik sendiri naik bas sebab Atok suka travel sorang-sorang. Tapi sekarang Atok dah tak cukup kuat nak berjalan sorang. Dah tua dah Atok saya..Tahun ni 89 tahun. Lagipun lately ni Atok dah sangat pelupa. Bahaya bukan?

What makes me worried is that Atok is acting kinda weird lately. Risau tau..Ada satu malam tu, pagi buta to be exact, sedang ku enak bermain game..tetiba Atok bangun. Terus dia tanya Cikmai la ni pukul berapa. Then I answered him : Pukul 2 Tok. Tapi takde la nak mention kan  2 pagi ke 2 petang. Of course la tahu 2 pagi sebab gelap kan...Then Atok cakap sempat lagi ni nak solat Asar. Errr......Atok!!!! It's 2 a.m.!!!! Saya cakap kat Atok yang sekarang 2 pagi tok..bukan 2 petang.....Then Atok terus cuba nak buka pintu rumah nak duduk kat luar katanya. Eh risau tau. Mak pun bangun sebab bising-bising kan...Bila Atok dah sedar, he was puzzled for a moment. Then baru lah dia masuk bilik balik and sambung tidur..

Ada yang lagi pelik. Masa went out shopping untuk Atok, dia minta nak boxer. Okay. Belikan Atok boxer kotak-kotak walaupun agak pelik dengan permintaan Atok. Then dia minta nak seluar Jeans. Okay. Yang ini adalah super weird. Abah pun belikan Atok seluar jeans sebab Abah cakap Abah tak nak menyesal kalau tak beli. Manalah tahu kan...Perangai Atok pun dah semakin pelik. 

Dan banyak lagi benda yang Atok dah lupa. Biasalah kan bila dah tua...Kita semua akan lalui perkara yang sama nanti. So Abah pesan kat kami, sabar dan layan je. Nanti nescaya anak kita akan layan kita macam mana kita layan orang tua kita..

Semalam masa tolong Atok packing, dia cakap lepas ni Atok dop mari lagi sini...Sayu juga hati ni dengar bila Atok cakap macam tu. Atok la satu-satunya grandparent yang saya ada. I have no grannies. Ya Allah, berilah peluang lagi untuk saya bertemu dengan Atok. Amin.

Hugs and kisses,

Cikmai.

Sumpah aku benci!

Memang niat hati nak update..Tapi tetiba sakit hati. Buduh. Cheq nak tido. Tak mau dah nak kupas-mengupas panjang lebar.

Selamat malam semua. Tak de mood nak muah muah korang malam ni..

Welcome back, pain.

I never thought that you would come back after months I feel so comfortable without you hurting me. I know that you already there since last 2 days. I can feel it. Ingatkan dah ok lepas few months kau tak datang..Malam tadi terjaga dalam pukul 4 pagi...bergaduh dengan kau. Kau ingat tak sakit ke? Alahai...

Bangun pagi hari ini, kaki dah start mengembang dan sembab. Badan dah mula rasa nak demam. Apa tak nya, penat melayan karenah pentadbir kat tempat keje. Itulah, inilah...stress..Bila stress, makan pun tak menentu. Takde pantang dah. Haih~They don't know what I'm facing right now. I just don't want to tell them cause I don't think I need to tell them. And my family also. Lucky me, they don't read my so called diary. I just don't want my family worried about my condition. *Hopefully*

Selamat pagi kaki bengkak.

Nampaknya kenalah pergi check. Sumpah malas. Nak kena amik darah, check urine. Leceh betul....

Korang tak payah la jeles tengok aku kurus keding. Bersyukur sebab korang sihat. Doakan aku. Aku takut tak sempat kahwin..Uwaaaa~ *sempat menggatai kan...*

Hugs and kisses,