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April 21, 2010


Remember on my previous entry I was in doubt whether to confess about something or not? Well I think I'm ready to confess and share it with all of you.

When I first got the news around 2007, it hit me loud and clear...unexpected...unexplained. Although I was afraid, I never once questioned why. The reasons didn't matter...they never will. Survival was the only challenge of any importance - the chance for me to achieve all my dreams. When people hear of illness, they think of the flu or a common cold. I still wonder why this burden rests upon my shoulders...curious if I'm strong enough to face it. Deep down, I'm a believer in the old adage - God only hands you that which He knows you can bare...now I have to find the strength and courage to move forward.

I walk this earth in my own little bubble...unwilling to let many know what am I facing...not wanting to listen to their sympathy. That is something I wish to be saved for if I'm gone- provide the sympathy and compassion to my family...to the man I love...when they will need it the most. *Hey, my family don't know about this. And you have to keep this from them. Please promise me. *Well.....None of us are destined to be here forever..and I accept that. Why? Because I have no other choice.

I still remember clearly what the doctor said to me :" Your kidneys are tricky little things..You can live with one..and you can't live with none. My left kidney was 25% damaged in 2007. Having only one kidney that can function well, I'm always cautious...scared. Now it's getting more painful. But I try everything to save my kidney. I don't want to see a doctor as doctor knows everything. I just pray and hope that it won't be worst as I'm afraid of dialysis and I'm afraid of letting it go...err...never thought I'd hear that one. Sooner or later, if that's what they say..then so it be. One thing I refuse to let go of is my optimism...maybe one day a cure will be found. I strongly believed that. It may not happen in my lifetime, as long as it eventually happens...I'll be happy. I don't want anyone to suffer the way I do...I don't want any more tears shed...no more lives lost.

However...I'm thankful as there are people out there who suffer more than I do. And I have to take care of my health and live like others. Never did I feel unhappy for what had happened. Because I know that I can sum up my life with three words. It goes on.


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