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May 18, 2010

I don't want to lose him.

I'm quite depressed and it's beginning to affect my relationship. My boyfriend and I are together for 4 years and it looks stable, even though sometimes we've bump into arguments. We even have plan to get married in the future, InsyaAllah. Although we are having a long distance relationship, there's still a lot of communications between us. Thanks to technologies. But somehow it seems like we are having the type of unbalanced relationship where either party loves and cares much more than they are willing to do.

He used to be busy with his life now- work and going out with some friends. I don't know whether he purposely makes his life busy so that he won't miss me a lot or he seems bored with me. I mean, he needs to live his life too. But that doesn't mean he has to start ignoring me. I did feel hurt with his friends too. As to let out my anger and dissatisfaction, I share my feelings here, hoping that he will accessing my online blog and find out how I feel and started to argue on petty things with him. For me, that's the best way to get his attentions. I know it sounds a bit narcissistic, but yeah...it's true. All I want is his attention. Now, judging by the way things go, I feel like there's something going wrong in our relationship but I don't know what it is.

..Forever as one..
(Picture taken from the author personal collections)

I don't want to lose him. We've been through a lot, from health issues, families, exams, graduations, jobs, career and so on. I'd even die for him......I think he'd be hurt if I just started the topic or he'd think it's obsessing me so I can't talk to him about it. And last night I asked him about something and the way he answered me was sort of like showing me a sign...I'm afraid. Phobia. Like being possessed. I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM...I'm not sure what kind of help I need right now. But one thing I know it for sure is being too afraid of losing him, being insecure and possessively will drive him away.

I want him to know that I need him to need me and I love him to love me. We've been through so much obstacles during our relationship and I hope he won't give up, although I've had my faults too. I'm sorry for being too dependent on you. But one thing for sure is my love for you won't fade away. I love you and nothing will change that.

Dear depressed, please go away as soon as possible as I still have 2 more papers to go. Wish me luck for my final exam and pray for my success.

Hugs and kisses,

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